How to turn a whinge into a positive learning experience.
A patient complaint doesn’t have to be stressful. In fact, it can be a positive learning experience.
Professor Candid shares his instructive responses to some of his patients’ complaints.
Dear Practice Manager,
I am writing to complain about Professor Candid. I saw him on the 12th and spoke to him in great detail about my constipation. I also explained to him how every Tuesday morning, when my wife’s out at work, I hook myself up to a modified hose pipe and give myself a good clear out.
I wish to complain because after a long pause, Professor Candid said that I was, and I quote “nuttier than squirrel shit”. I hardly think this is the way a medical professional should talk to his patients, especially to someone who knows as much about colonic irrigation as I do.
Yours sincerely,
Mark Swift
Dear Mark,
Thank you for your letter of complaint.
I have thought long and hard about the issues raised in your letter and I can confirm that you are nuttier than squirrel shit.
Kind regards,
Prof Candid
Dear Practice Manager,
I am writing to complain about Professor Candid, who I am reliably told is the most senior doctor at your practice.
For years now I’ve battled against a tide of medical ignorance and have tried in vain to be diagnosed. The Professor tells me that he has reviewed my extensive blood tests, scans and specialist reports and has concluded that there is “bugger all” wrong with me.
Do I really have to remind a Professor with years of clinical experience that even though everything is normal there is still definitely something wrong with me?
Yours sincerely,
Ann Winderbaum
Dear Ann,
Thank you for your letter of complaint.
I can confirm that there is bugger all wrong with you.
Kind regards,
Professor Candid
Dear Practice Manager,
I am writing to complain about Professor Candid. I had the misfortune of seeing him last week because my regular GP is off on maternity leave.
I have been using crytals and homeopathy to treat my many and varied autoimmune conditions for years now. After a lot of tinkering I have carefully titrated my homeopathic remedies and I was simply asking the doctor for some guidance about whether or not to use Bloodstone or Obsidian when he rudely interjected and asked me if I was a witch.
He then followed this up by saying “homeopathy is bullshit, except it’s so watered down there isn’t even any bullshit left”.
I find this rude beyond comprehension. Could you please raise my concerns with him at your next practice meeting.
Yours sincerely,
Collette Singleton
Dear Collette,
I can confirm that homeopathy is bull shit and that you are probably a witch.
Kind regards,
Professor Candid
Dear Practice Manager,
I went to see Professor Candid for a prescription of ivermectin. I have conducted extensive online research and I’ve watched a lot of podcasts so I know what I’m talking about.
He laughed at me and said that ivermectin is reserved for horses – then said I was in luck because I look just like a horse!
Yours sincerely,
Amanda Sutton
Dear Amanda,
I can confirm that you look like a horse.
Kind regards,
Professor Candid.
