This study is complete bollocks

When it comes to gonads, beauty really is a myth.

---

Sometimes, dear reader, an opportunity comes along that is too good to ignore, and, in the grand tradition of someone brought up on the musical genius of Bob Hudson*, I never let a chance go by.

In the category of “they funded what?” comes a study out of Germany that seeks to answer the age-old question: what do men and women find attractive … in a scrotum?

Tightening the scrotum, the authors wrote, is a “new trend in the aesthetic surgery market … Notwithstanding its rapid increase, studies have yet to investigate aesthetic preferences as regards the scrotum.”

Our intrepid researchers decided to “compare men’s and women’s evaluation of various sizes of scrotum, to the end of assisting people opting to undergo this procedure in taking decisions on their visual preferences”.

Subjects were recruited through social networks and via forwarding of the link to the online study using the “snowball principle”. I’ll just leave that there.

Ultimately 653 people answered a questionnaire, 57% women and 43% men. Gender-diverse folk were excluded because “the study’s purpose was to examine differences in preferences between men and women” – righto.

Seventy percent of participants reported “consuming” online pornography in the past six months. Presumably that’s important because only the best ballsacks make a living in porno, and that might raise a person’s standards.

In order to assess the participants’ subjective perceptions of scrotal attractiveness, the authors wrote, “we presented them with frontal photographs of four different scrotums in total; the width and length of the scrotum in each image had been modified eight times, giving nine images per scrotum. Participants were asked to rate all 36 images on a sliding scale from -3, ‘very unattractive’, to +3, ‘very attractive’.”

We assume the modifications were digital and performed on the images, not the subjects. A fun day on Photoshop for someone.

This Back Page correspondent examined these scrotal specimens so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Several things stick out. First of all, this is a very white group. Diversity is clearly not this team’s forte.

Second, all the scrotums under the spotlight were aged 23-30 years. That’s like comparing apples with slightly smaller apples. Throw a couple of wrinkled, shrivelled old passionfruit in there and see what results you get.

Third, all the pictured purses are, shall we say, in isolation, with the rest of the package held out of the way. And how do you judge the size of a pouch without its handle? Balance and proportion are everything, people. Everything.

Our intrepid German researchers tested seven hypotheses and drew a blank on every one of them:

1. Men assess scrotal attractiveness significantly more negatively than women – nope, except they liked the fourth scrotum slightly better than the other three.
2. There is a significant positive correlation between the personality trait “extraversion” and subjects’ aesthetic assessments of the scrotums in this study as attractive – nope.
3. There is a significant positive correlation between the personality trait “openness to experience and subjects’ aesthetic assessment of the scrotums in this study as attractive” – nope.
4. There is a significant negative relationship between the frequency of online pornography consumption and subjects’ aesthetic assessments of the scrotums in this study as attractive – nope.
5. There is a significant negative relationship between age and subjects’ aesthetic assessments of the scrotums in this study as attractive – nope.
6. Men evaluate their scrotum significantly more positively than women their vulva – nope.
7. Men evaluate their partner’s genitals significantly more positively than women their partner’s genitals – nope.

The one true gem the study furnishes is perhaps its conclusion: “Ultimately, it was barely possible to identify a ‘beautiful’ scrotum; we must instead speak of the least ugly.”

Send story tips to penny@medicalrepublic.com.au to enhance your inner beauty.

*Bob Hudson’s 1974 number one single The Newcastle Song was something 10-year-olds like me could recite from beginning to end back in the day. You’re welcome.