Sub-register of ghost GPs to bolster workforce

AHPRA is trialling a system of recalling practitioners from the other side to fill gaps as doctors quit.

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AHPRA is contacting dead GPs to see if they might be interested in coming back to work.

It’s an innovative bid to find new recruits at a time when Australian healthcare workers are quitting in droves and even retired doctors don’t want to be on the pandemic sub-register.

“We set up an online seance asking for expressions of interest from deceased GPs and we got quite a brisk response,” an AHPRA spokesperson told The Medical Republic.  

“We were going to make a covid jab mandatory before they could start work but we realised ghosts lack functioning immune systems.”

“It’s been a long time since I donned a stethoscope,” dead GP Dr William Pickles told TMR, “but to be honest heaven was getting a bit tedious anyway.  

“Don’t get me wrong, the profiteroles are great, but spending your day singing All Things Bright and Beautiful in a jewellery shop can get quite irksome.”

Dr Pickles descended for a day to help out a struggling practice in Sydney.

“I was a little shocked at first,” admits Emma Burbank, one of Dr Pickles’ patients.  

“I booked an appointment with him online because it mentioned his wealth of experience but failed to mention that he was dead. I mean, I could literally see straight through him.  

“He was having a bit of trouble with the computer and?eventually he hand-wrote me a script for something called laudanum but none of the pharmacists had it in stock. And he got ectoplasm all over the script.” 

Dr Pickles said he had enjoyed his time back in the consulting room, “but I don’t think I’ll be returning to general practice any time soon. The patients were demanding and they wanted a pill for every ill, and all for a pittance.   

“I suppose singing hymns for eternity in a cloud-based theme-park full of profiteroles and ecclesiastical glitter isn’t that bad.”