The new type of clinician’s assistant, which is cheaper to produce and more reliable, will also be rolled out in Queensland this year.
The British Medical Association’s general practitioners committee has voted to phase out physician associates and replace them with sock puppets, it has emerged.
“We all know that PAs are inadequately trained and aren’t equipped to deal with undifferentiated patients,” puppet expert Professor Candid told The Medical Republic.
“They need an awful lot of supervision and their activities have to be carefully monitored and audited. It looks like the UK has finally woken up to these safety concerns and will start to gradually phase them out of primary care.”
The plan is to replace them with sock puppets, which will be under the direct control of the GP.
Dr Ken Campbell from Croydon told TMR: “My sock puppet is great. He’s stripy and he’s got googly eyes and I’ve called him Humphrey McWigglepants. He keeps me company when I’m lonely and he’s really good at diagnosing. He asks all the right questions and then whispers the answers into my ear.”
“What’s that Mr McWigglepants?” Dr Campbell then said, apparently addressing the sock on his hand. “No, not yet, when we get home.”
Angela, a 34-year old patient told TMR: “I thought I was seeing my regular GP, Dr Campbell, but when I went into his consulting room he’d stuck his arm through a sheet of cardboard and had a stripy sock with googly eyes on it that Dr Campbell made me address as Mr McWigglepants.
“After Mr McWigglepants asked me to put a pen in his mouth, which was a bit weird, he prescribed my ramipril and then asked me if I was up to date with my smears. At that point I became uncomfortable.”
“I can put a sock puppet on each hand!” said Dr Campbell. “Which technically means I can consult up to three patients at once. And the great thing is they’re all under my direct control, unlike physician associates, who were a bloody liability if you ask me.”
When TMR attempted to interview Mr McWigglepants, he stared at our reporter in a disconcerting manner and made no comment.
Closer to home, the Queensland Health Department is looking to introduce sock puppets across the state later in the year.
