Pharmacist grafted on to doctor in world first

The surgery was challenging but the hybrid practitioner is now unstoppable.

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A government laboratory has created the world’s first doctor-pharmacist hybrid, it has emerged.

Professor Candid, who spearheaded the research, told The Medical Republic: “After working on the project for a number of years we’d made very little headway, but all this changed when Dr Bruce Robinson – a well-respected GP from Melbourne – bequeathed his body to the lab.”

After a lot of experimentation, and a really awful lot of screaming, the team successfully grafted one of Dr Robinson’s arms and most of his head on to the back of a pharmacist, Graham Python.

“It took a bit of getting used to,” Mr Python told TMR.

“And when I got home my wife wasn’t too impressed. In fact, she lost her shit and tried to stab Bruce with a fork. But things have settled down since then. They’re now on speaking terms. She’s learnt to ignore most of his drooling and she even spoons the odd bit of porridge into his yeast-filled maw.

“Having another human grafted on to you can be quite challenging,” Mr Python continued.

“He smokes a pipe and spends a lot of time quoting Pessoa from the Book of Disquiet – I mean who wants to listen to things like ‘My past is who I failed to be’ and ‘I destroyed myself in order to create’ all bloody day long.

“But on the plus side he can write prescriptions with his little arm and he can ask patients clinically relevant questions.

“Now there’s nothing I can’t tackle: COPD, asthma, psoriasis, UTIs, sexual health, contraception, you name it I can do it! I can diagnose and dispense! I am, or should I say ‘we are’, the ultimate hybrid professional!”

It’s hoped that other terrifying doctor-pharmacist hybrids will be employed in states and territories by the end of the year. 

“Here, try some trimethoprim!”