1 June 2022

Patients can now advertise with GP testimonials

Humoural Theory

Three stars. 

Following the recent legislative changes to allow doctors to advertise using patient testimonials, patients will soon be allowed to use GP reviews to help them find a doctor prepared to have them as a patient.   

TMR has acquired a selection of testimonials from GPs. Names have been redacted.  

“Avoid Mrs H like the plague. She came in for a flu shot the other day wearing 15 layers of clothing. Ten minutes into the consultation and she’d only managed to strip down to her fourth cardigan. I get fed up waiting and just jabbed her through her sweater. Three stars.” Dr Neil Essen, Melbourne 

“Mr T loves only one thing in life and that one thing is endone. He’s tried everything else but if it’s not endone it’s no good. Troy gives endone five out of five stars but I give Troy zero stars.” Dr Emily Fitzpatrick, Sydney 

“Whenever I see Mr J’s name on my list I want to tie myself to a railway line and pray for a train. Last week he complained that asparagus makes his wee smell like asparagus. This week he brought in a thermos full of warm piss which smelt nothing like asparagus but did smell of piss. Not for the fainthearted. One star.” Dr Grant Hamilton, Sydney 

“Never go on a home visit to see Mrs L. She owns a collection of creepy Victorian dolls and knits sweaters for them out of cat hair. If you absolutely must visit, never accept one of her chocolate muffins and never try to stroke her cat. Two stars seems overly generous.” Dr Clara Rossi, Adelaide 

“I told Mr C that if he was going to rub capsaicin cream on to his arthritic knees he should be careful to wash his hands afterwards. He ignored my advice and then blamed his masturbation injuries on me. A walking AHPRA notification. Zero stars.” Dr John Hardwick, Perth 

“Mr B had one too many beers and because he lives in a quiet country town he decided to drive home. He was feeling sick but instead of stopping he rolled his window down and puked out of the moving car. He lost control, went down a ditch, drove through a field and scalped himself as he crashed through a barbed wire fence. He came in as a walk-in with his scalp in a carrier bag and asked if I could stich it back on for him. One star.” Dr Winston Smith, Wagga Wagga 

“The Ms have been trying to conceive for over a year now. Mrs M bought a microscope and now sits at the kitchen table and grades Mr M’s sperm. I’m not sure who I feel more sorry for: her, the sperm or me. Three stars.” Dr Keith Morporgo, Adelaide 

“Every Christmas Mr G bakes me a cake, which is lovely. The problem is the cake always looks like Hitler’s face. 3.5 stars.” Dr Bethany Gruber, Melbourne 

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