13 October 2021

Lockdown is over: stay home

Humoural Theory

After 107 days Sydney has finally emerged from lockdown. Professor Candid suggests five things citizens can do with their newly restored freedom. 

  1. Get your LFTs checked. With little else to do in lockdown you’ve probably been smashing back the booze. All that vodka, absinthe, cooking sherry and hand sanitiser has finally caught up with you. Family have noticed you’ve gone a funny yellow colour, and it’s not the lighting. You’ve killed off half your liver! 
  1. Go back to work. What better way to celebrate your freedom than to return to the place where you get told what to do, where to go, when to get up, what to wear and what to say. But remember, we live in a democracy, so you’re free to leave and starve to death at any time. 
  1. Spread some covid. With all those sensible health policies in place covid hasn’t had much of a chance to spread around, so give it a helping hand by sneezing out handfuls of snot and high-fiving everyone in K-mart. 
  1. Freedom Day! why not throw caution to the wind and do something you’ve never tried before, like smoking? 
  1. Close the curtains, lock the doors and stay at home. Only a madman would go outside. 

In other news, a middle-aged Melbourne man is concerned that vaccine passports may have significant implications for the privacy he gave away years ago to Facebook. 

The middle-aged man, who prefers to remain nameless, told HT: “The government is now talking about introducing a vaccine passport! Over my dead body! What ever happened to autonomy and freedom and … errr … freedom. I won’t let them get away with it.” 

“There’s nothing we don’t already know about him,” said Emma, his long-suffering neighbour. “He walks around in his undies, we can hear all of his arguments , we know exactly how much he’s drinking because he put his bottles in our recycling bin and we even know when he’s watching  porn.” 

In fact there is nothing about his life which he hasn’t already given away.

“I pointed out to him the other day that he shouldn’t worry about a vaccine passport because he already owns an actual passport,” Emma said. “And a library card and a driving licence and they’ve got his picture on them and everything. He just mumbled something about deep state and sheeple and the Great Reset. 

“The thing is he’s an open book – but a really shit one that nobody wants to read.”

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