How to survive a covid attack

An important public health message for those who, like the author, have somehow avoided the damn thing until now.

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You are covid positive. You must now stay at home for at least seven days. 

This may seem like a disaster but with enough forward planning there is a good chance that you and your family will survive. Professor Candid will help guide you through your covid journey.  

Covid, like your mother-in-law, or your husband’s recently divorced friend, is a prickly and unwanted guest.   

You can leave the house to get away from your mother-in-law or the friend but you cannot leave the house to get away from covid. You must must stay at home with covid.   

To stay safe at home you must first strengthen your designated “covid room”. By creating an inner refuge you will be better able to weather the viral attack. The main things you will need to strengthen your covid room are shovels, cardboard boxes, large plastic bags, earth, sand and some sticky tape. Start collecting them now.   

Begin the construction of your refuge by removing any unneeded doors and propping them up against the wall. This will form a handy lean-to.   

Build layers of protection around the lean-to. But remember, always leave an easy way into and out of your refuge so that your partner and children can pass you meals, messages and important things tied to bits of string.   

Once your refuge is complete you will need to fill it with important things like:   

• A transistor radio with batteries 

• Plenty of toilet roll  

• Clean pants  

• A box of dry sand. When your temperature spikes above 39C and you become delirious you can dip your toes into the sand and pretend you’re at the beach. Remember, your temperature may spike above 39C because Omicron is a mild disease! 

• Water and food 

Water is more essential to life than food.  

You are much more likely to die of thirst than you are to die from a lack of cake. The medical term for dying from a lack of cake is cakosis or Black Forest Gateaux’s disease. It sounds alarming but it is extremely rare.   

A healthy person should normally drink up to 15 cups of water a day. However, Omicron will make you piss sweat from every pore. That’s because Omicron is a mild disease! 16L of water per day should be sufficient for one person.   

Remember to stock up on different types of food so you don’t get bored. Two brands of frozen lasagne is not different types of food.  

During your illness you must try to remain mentally active. Early on in the disease you may be able to complete some useful tasks, like sending your accountant an email or paying for your childrens’ tennis lessons or joking with a friend that “haha I finally got covid!”. However, as the disease progresses it is important not to overstretch yourself.  

Dostoyevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov needs to be put back on the shelf. SAY NO TO DOSTOYEVSKY. You will also not be spending your time unpicking Thomas Browne’s linguistic riddles in Religio Medici. Nor will you put that Ikea work station with matching wardrobes and bedside cabinet together.  

At this stage of your illness the best you can hope for is Pornhub and inspecting the contents of your handkerchief. 

The virus can also cause profuse watery diarrhoea and vomiting. And we mean profuse. Mild disease! 

It is probably safest that you do not use the family toilet as this will promote the spread of contagion.   

Make your own toilet. Out of a chair. And a bucket.   

If you wish to commence antivirals then you will first have to meet over 3200 separate clinical criteria before it can be prescribed and then you will need to find a pharmacist that can deliver it to you sometime this month, even though there is an aircraft hangar full of unused antivirals which would benefit practically anyone who took them.  

If you follow these steps you should survive covid. However, remember that surviving a week of isolation, covid symptoms, lasagne and Pornhub does not mean that covid has gone. Your natural immunity will fall and in a few short months you will be susceptible to reinfection. Remember, covid is like nuclear fallout, it cannot be seen or felt, it has no taste or smell and yet is everywhere.   

KEY POINTS:  

• Stay home 
• Build a covid refuge  
• You will feel like shit 
• Pornhub is as ambitious as it gets  
• SAY NO TO DOSTOYEVSKY  
• Antivirals are just too hard 
• Eat less lasagne  
• Protect and survive 

This important health message has been brought to you by Professor Candid.