5 July 2022

How to handle email scammers

Humoural Theory

A true, unedited correspondence.


There are all sorts of fancy cybersecurity tricks to making sure you don’t get scammed, phished or smished by online con artists.

But have you ever tried just wasting their time and annoying the crap out of them?

From: "Michael Doku" dukum3787@gmail.com 
To: "undisclosed-recipients:;"
Cc:
Sent: Sat, 18 Jun 2022 at 9:20 pm
Subject: Please Respond Urgently

Greetings,
I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before, but need not to worry as I believe you can be of great assistance to me, I need your cooperation in transferring the sum of $11.3 million to your private account where this money can be shared between us. The money has been here in our bank lying dormant for years without anybody coming for the claim. I want to release the money to you as a relative to our deceased customer, the account owner who died along with his supposed Next Of Kin.

By indicating your interest I will send you the full details on how the business will be executed.

Peace be upon you, 
Mr. Michael Doku

From: Kevin_hinkley@yahoo.co.uk
To: Michael Doku

Greetings Mr. Michael Doku,
I was just thinking how useful it would be to have an extra 11.3 million bucks in the bank when I received your email!
I’m a bulk-billing GP, you see, and Medicare doesn’t pay us very much.
When you say dollars are we talking Australian or US? If you mean Nigerian dollars you can forget it. 11.3 million Nigerian dollars wouldn’t buy a cheese sandwich over here.
Peace out,
Kevin Hinkley
P.S. When you say “share” the money what exactly do you mean?

From: "Michael Doku" <dukum3787@gmail.com>
To: "undisclosed-recipients:;" <undisclosed-recipients:;>
Cc:
Sent: Mon, 20 Jun 2022 at 7:35 pm
Subject: Please Respond Urgently

Greetings Kevin Hinkley,
US dollars will be deposited secure in to your account. 60% of the sum for your use. I have sent papers for you. Hurry, we are running out of time.

Peace be upon you, 
Doku

From: Kevin_hinkley@yahoo.co.uk
To: Michael Doku

Dear Doku,
Where did Michael go?
A 60:40 split doesn’t sound very much to me. I was thinking more like a 90:10 split in my favour. I’m not greedy, but I have invented a revolutionary device which will change medicine forvever. And by sheer chance it will cost 90% of $11.3 million to produce. I've sent you a photo of my invention as an attachment. Please see below. 

Peace and love,
Kevin Hinkley
PS I am beginning to worry about security. In all future correspondence can you please refer to me as Kevvykins (only my wife is allowed to call me that so I think it’s pretty safe).

From: "Michael Doku" <dukum3787@gmail.com>
To: "undisclosed-recipients:;" <undisclosed-recipients:;>
Cc:
Sent: Wed, 22 Jun 2022 at 9:35 pm
Subject: Please Respond Urgently

Dear Kevvykins,
Do not worry about the split. As long as the transaction is complete the money will be yours. Do not get confused, my name is Michael Doku. I think your invention will work. You are a smart guy Kevvykins.

Best regards,
Mr. Michael Doku

From: Kevin_hinkley@yahoo.co.uk
To: Michael Doku
Dear Mr. Doku Michael,

Thanks for calling me smart! It made my day. I was so happy that I set to work on another invention right away. I’m sure it will blow your little cotton socks off!
I call this one the “tongue depressor”. If a patient talks for too long you can put it in their mouth to make them stop talking. Please see attachment below.
Because I’ve now got two inventions on the go how about I get 99.9999999999999997% of the $11.3 million and you get  0.00000000000000003%?

From: "Michael Doku" <dukum3787@gmail.com>
To: "undisclosed-recipients:;" <undisclosed-recipients:;>
Cc:
Sent: Fri, 24 Jun 2022 at 10:15 pm
Subject: Please Respond Urgently

Dear Mr. Kevin Hinkley,
I am not sure you are taking this seriously. You must hurry, the funds will soon go. Stop wasting time and send the papers through so that the business can be completed. The bank is putting pressure on me to move the funds.

From: Kevin_hinkley@yahoo.co.uk
To: Michael Doku

Dear Michael,
Please, you must call me Kevvykins. Besides, you didn’t even comment on my latest invention! You said I was smart and I was happy. But now I am sad and feel stupid. I am beginning to suspect that this is just some sort of sophisticated scam. 

Kevin never heard from Michael Doku again.