*Do not under any circumstances try this at home/your practice.
This week Professor Candid shares his HonestReferralsTM system.
“I always write two referrals,” Professor Candid told The Medical Republic. “They’re called A and B. The first one is broadly seen as acceptable among my peer group, while the second ensures that everyone is on the same page.”
(A)
Dear dermatology colleague,
I would greatly appreciate your expertise in Anne’s case. She is a socially anxious and isolated 67-year-old lady who has presented multiple times to the practice with widespread pruritus coupled with an unshared and unshakeable belief that she has a “thrip” infestation. On examination there is no evidence of thrips and your input in her case would be greatly appreciated.
Professor Candid
(B)
Dear dermatology colleague,
Anne is barking mad. She thinks a mystery insect has burrowed into her skin and each night the little critters come out and have a dance-off in her dermis. I know there’s f**k all I can do about it and I know there’s f**k all you can do about it, but at least that’ll make two of us, and I won’t feel so alone. Speaking of which, she lives by herself because all her relatives feel really itchy when they’re around her.
Apologies in advance for this appalling referral. You have been warned!
Prof Candid
(A)
Dear geriatrics colleague,
I would greatly appreciate your input in Mrs Widdecombe’s case. She is a charming 107-year-old lady who lives with her doting family. They are terribly concerned that she is off-balance and at risk of falls. I have discontinued most of her medications due to her rather advanced age and your expertise would be appreciated.
(B)
Dear geriatrics colleague,
Mrs Widdecombe is so ancient, a fart and a sudden gust of wind could kill her. Despite this fact her family expect a miracle, but I’m not Jesus and she’s not Lazarus and neither are you. By the time you get this letter she may already be dead.
(A)
Dear plastics colleague,
Amelia is a 19-year-old fashion student who is aesthetically minded and is very concerned about a slight asymmetry in the vermillion border of her upper lip. She has demanded a referral to see you ASAP and is willing to go on your cancellation list.
(B)
Dear plastics,
Her lips are fine, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. I remember a more innocent time when taking pouty-lip photos of yourself in the local park would trigger a visit from the cops, and boy would you then need a plastics referral!
(A)
Dear addictions colleague,
I would value your opinion in Troy’s case. He is a deeply troubled 23-year-old recidivist who recently provided a urine drug sample during a pre-employment screen which was positive for
THC
Opiates
Benzodiazepines
Cocaine
Phenobarbitol
Buprenorphine
Methadone metabolites
PCP
MDMA
DMT
Krokodil (popular in Eastern Europe I believe)
Paco (that one’s Argentinian one apparently)
M-Cat
GHB
and finally, of course, the icing on the cake: ice.
His poly-drug use, recidivism, dissocial personality disorder and chaotic social circumstances pose significant management problems and your invaluable experience would be greatly appreciated.
(B)
Dear addictions colleague,
Holy shit, how is this guy still upright?! And to think someone offered him a job! He’s had more narcotics than Pete Doherty and Charlie Sheen put together and his piss is so rich with metabolites you could bottle it and sell it on the black-market.
Winning!
(A)
Dear emergency colleague,
Mr Sampson presented to the practice today after inserting a Barbie doll into his rectum. I attempted to remove her using a pair of slim forceps, however her ankle was just too slippery. I fear the item may have to be extracted under a general anaesthetic. Please see and advise.
(B)
Dear emergency colleague,
He stuck a Barbie doll up his ass! Hahahhahahhahahahahahha
Forgive me, it’s the only laugh I’ve had all week.
Prof.
