Complexity is the chief problem with the scheme, but there is a solution.
According to Deloitte economist Dr Pradeep Philip, Medicare is too complicated and needs to be simplified.
Medical billings expert Professor Candid offers a simpler alternative to the existing model that should immediately eliminate all errors and other non-compliance.
| Service provided | MBS item billing code |
| A patient attends but has forgotten why he’s even there. He thinks it might be something to do with his tablets but he can’t be sure. He then says something like: “Come on doc, surely you know why I’m here, you’re the doctor!” | 1 |
| A patient attends because they have low back pain but they are allergic to paracetamol, diclofenac, meloxicam, naproxen, ibuprofen, celecoxib, indomethacin, aspirin, amitriptyline and duloxetine and the only thing that works is something called Lycra. | 1 |
| A patient attends for their B12 injection but demands you bulk bill them because they’ve already paid the pharmacist and there’s not a cat in hell’s chance they’re going to part with any more cash. | 1 |
| A daughter brings in her 104-year-old mother and demands that she be put on a public waiting list for a knee replacement, even though the average orthopaedic wait list is seven years and there’s a 100% chance her mother will be dead by then. | 1 |
| A teenager is brought in by her mother because she’s “moody”. The teenager answers every question by shrugging her shoulders and saying “dunno”. Eventually everyone sits in a very uncomfortable silence, praying for the fire alarms to go off. | 1 |
| An American patient tells you she’s over here for work and her doctor normally prescribes her enough oxycodone and alprazolam to fill a wheelbarrow. She’s an international lawyer so she knows what her rights are and she’ll sue your ass if she starts withdrawing from her medication. | 1 |
| A patient attends after a scorpion bite and very usefully brings the scorpion into the consulting room with her. The scorpion wriggles out of the container and scuttles under your examination couch. | 1 |
| A patient wants you to write a letter to his wife explaining that he has a porn addiction and that this is a serious medical problem deserving of spousal empathy. You try to listen but you’re thinking about the scorpion. | 1 |
| A patient declares that she is St John of the Cross, rolls herself up in your rug and says she’s not leaving your consulting room until she gets a copy of the Nag Hammadi gospels and a cheeseburger. | 1 |
“As you can see, pretty much everything is billed as an MBS item number 1,” explains Professor Candid.
“Hopefully, this will help prevent any confusion in the future.”
