Soon you too can be plugged into the clinic fulltime.
Leading practice management software brand SoftGP is about to launch its first brain implant, it has emerged.
“We’re very excited about our new product,” a SoftGP spokesperson told The Medical Republic. “We’ve been developing it over the past couple of years to help practitioners deliver exceptional care in a dynamic, constantly changing environment.”
The implant is currently being tested in real-life beta trials.
“I decided to be one of the first to trial SoftGP’s implant,” Sydney GP Dr Charles Babbage told TMR.
“They cut a piece of bone out of my skull using something that looked like a corkscrew and then wired the device up to my prefrontal lobes. I can now access patient records, check blood results and dictate referral letters whenever and wherever I want. It’s been a real game changer and it means that I can now work even when I’m walking the dog or pretending to listen to my children.”
Unfortunately the new SoftGP implant has not been universally popular.
“It’s been a nightmare,” said Dr Alan Turing, a GP in Melbourne.
“After the implant was put in patients could contact me any time of day or night. One evening I was sat with a nice glass of Chateau Petrus watching my favourite film, La Belle Noiseuse starring Emanuelle Béart, and I was just gettting to the good bit when I was rudely interrupted by a patient who wanted to talk about his haemorrhoids.”
Dr Turing said not even sleep could afford a safe haven from the demands of patients.
“It was about three in the morning and I was fast asleep – having a really fantastic dream about Emanuelle Béart – when a particularly irksome patient came knocking on my cortex and demanded a prescription for some sleeping tablets. Well, I just exploded and said I hoped he’d have nightmares, and now I’m in discussions with AHPRA.”
The SoftGP brain implant device becomes widely available at the end of the year and is guaranteed to completely destroy any remaining life you may have away from the surgery.
