Here are some GP imitators that the savvy patient – sorry, consumer – should avoid.
If you’ve ever shopped in Aldi you’ll know what a knock-off brand is.
Why have Sultana Bran when you can have Bran & Sultana and why spend all that money on a Kit-Kat when a Cat-Cit bar is just as good.
Well, the same can be said for general practice. Here are five GP lookalikes to avoid:
1. Out-of-hours locum
Your own GP has known you for years. They know your family, your medical history and everything you’ve ever been prescribed. They even know about that time you wound up in the ED with abdominal pain after eating too much Bran & Sultana.
So don’t be too disappointed when the locum rocks up at 3am, pats you on the head and tells you to see your own GP first thing in the morning.
2. Urgent care centres
An UCC is a murky hinterland knee-deep in the bilgewater of unknown unknowns. No one, not even the staff working there really know what they’re supposed to do. Are they an ED? Are they a general practice? Or are they somewhere in-between? If you can’t get an appointment with your family doctor then why not chance your arm, spin the wheel and play medical roulette with this dreadful Labor idea?
3. ED
Sit for 16 hours in the ED on a plastic seat that smells of piss only to be seen by a harrassed junior doctor clutching a copy of the Oxford Handbook. That will teach you to use the emergency services for a sore elbow! Be sure to visit your GP next time!
4. Telehealth
Fill out an online questionnaire and quick as a flash you’ll have an Aldi carrier bag full of cannabis or Ozempic winging its way to you, no questions asked (apart from those on the questionnaire).
It’s quick, it’s easy, but is it kosher? Telehealth services feel a bit like a knock-off charity for “Doctors without Diplomas”.
5. Neighbour
You wake up feeling like you’ve been hit on the back of the head with a baseball bat and in your stuporous state you vaguely remember that your neighbour was a nurse. Was she a nurse or did she work in a care home? Never mind, you can’t get in to see your GP so just knock on their door about your thunderclap headache. Strangely enough Aldi were selling bargain baseball bats last time you popped in.
