20 May 2022

E-smack ‘safer than regular smack’

Humoural Theory

New evidence confirms that putting an e- in front of things makes them better for you.

The health benefits of e-cigarettes remain controversial, but Professor Candid believes that e-smack offers a safer alternative to regular smack.

“Vaping is clearly bad for you,” Professor Candid told TMR. “I mean, you’re not in your right mind if you think that suckling raspberry mist from a robotic teat like some kind of nicotine-crazed piglet is good for you. But the evidence on e-smack couldn’t be clearer.”

Professor Candid’s team at the National University of Australia conducted a independent randomised controlled trial in which one group took e-smack in a clinical setting while the other group was assigned to take normal heroin which they had to buy themselves on street corners.

“E-smack is definitely healthier for you than traditional forms of smack,” he said.

“And the best thing about it is you can get a prescription for it which is a lot safer than standing around in the rain waiting to give money to that dodgy guy who once tried to kill your cousin’s cat with an air rifle.

“Putting e- in front of anything instantly makes it healthier,” he added. “So later in the year we’re going to launch e-vodka, e-covid and e-head-on-car-crash.”