4 July 2022

Demonic messages hidden in GP consultation recordings

Humoural Theory

Taping appointments could open a portal to a fiery pit of AHPRA notifications.

Recordings of consultations made between a GP and her patients contain hidden Satanic messages, it has emerged. 

The consultations occurred at the Whispering Wynd Medical centre in Melbourne. The Medical Republic spoke with Dr Margaret Gretchen, the senior partner at the practice. 

“About six months ago I made the decision to allow my patients to record their consultations with me,” Dr Gretchen told TMR. “It was a tough decision but my reasoning was simple: not only is a recording an invaluable aide-memoire, but it can also be useful for me at a time of increasing litigation.

“It wasn’t long, though, before things took a turn for the worse.” 

“I’d been seeing Dr Gretchen for a while,” 21-year-old Gertie Faust told TMR, “and I always found her vary caring and approachable. I was anxious not to miss anything important so I decided to record the consultation.”

When she got back home Gertie played it back for her mum.

“I was trying to find the part where Dr Gretchen was telling me how long to to take the antibiotics for, when I accidentally played the recording backwards. What I heard that day I’ll never forget.” 

A demonic voice emerged out of the crackling white noise. 

“It’s hard to make out at first,” Gertie said. “But if you listen hard enough you can definitely hear a voice saying, ‘Join us, join us; in the name of God let the churches burrrn’ and then after a short pause it continues ‘Mephistopheles wills thee to take thy minocycline’. 

“Hearing the recording backwards freaked the shit out of both of us and my mum said I should report Dr Gretchen for channelling the devil.”

International devil expert Professor Candid said: “I’ve listened to the tapes forwards and backwards and this is clearly an example of Satan using general practice as an evil portal.

“I suggest the family puts Dr Gretchen on trial and burns her at the stake as a witch. Alternatively, they could just report her to AHPRA, whichever’s easier.”