26 April 2022

Coronavirus overjoyed as restrictions eased

Humoural Theory

No one has felt the impact of home isolation and mask-wearing more than the spiky little fella himself.

The highly contagious SARS-CoV-2 virus has welcomed the end of close contact isolation in NSW and Victoria. 

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” covid told The Medical Republic, “and when I found out that the seven-day isolation rule for close contacts was coming to an end I was over the moon.

“The good people of NSW and Victoria have been through a lot and they can now finally get back to living a normal life: coughing over each other on the bus and spitting in each other’s mouths in nightclubs. Hallelujah!”  

As a raft of restrictions are eased the virus will once again be able to travel freely throughout Australia.

“With masks and iso gone I think I’ll celebrate by hitting a couple of nursing homes and then maybe budding off a variant or two,” said covid.

“I’m also going to ditch the whole Greek letter thing and replace Delta and Omicron with sexier-sounding names like The Silver Sniper and Doom Raven.” 

But it’s not all good news for the plucky virus. Earlier in the week it was reported that covid had contracted Anthony Albanese.

This is the shortest interval to reinfection with an Australian federal party leader yet recorded.

“My swab came back positive for Albanese last week,” covid confirmed, “and it’s pretty rough. It was bad enough I had to get Scott Morrison last month, now have to inhabit the body of a man who looks like he’s been stitched out of elbow skin by a demented seamstress.”

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