The AMA invites the man of the moment, or at least of last weekend, to say a few words about the Australian healthcare system.
Greetings comrades,
Thank you for inviting me to speak with you today. It is real honour. Firstly, I must apologise if I am not tongueing your language correctly, English is not my native language.
Before I start I must say big thank you to AMA for factor 50 and bucket hat, and of course to my malchik Alexei Lukashenko who provided me with safe passage to Belarus and use of a fully functioning tractor. Shout out to Luka! You’re the man, bro!
I stand before you today comrades, smeared in suncream and wearing special-needs hat, to highlight battle you can no longer afford to ignore. I am of course referring to state of medicine in your great upside-down country.
Even through these sunny-glasses I can see how successive governments have turned noble profession of medicine into barren landscape full of neglect, despair, and urgent care centres.
General practice, once a great bastion of healing, now lies in ruins, its foundations crumbling under weight of indifference and decade-long Medicare freeze. And let me tell you peeps, I know an awful lot about crumbling ruins and having my people starved of crucial resources.
And who suffers most, I ask you? Why, patients of course! That was rhetorical question by the way. Do not speak.
Yes patients are innocent victims caught in crossfire who now bear witness to interminable waiting lists, hospital appointments that vanish into thin air and a dearth of access to essential mental health services. Personalised care that once acted as a soothing balm has been replaced by callous encounters that leave patients wounded and forgotten.
But state of general practice in Australia cannot be blamed on doctors who valiantly battle against odds; just as ruinous state of Ukraine cannot be blamed on me. No: source of carnage lies in a systemic government failure that engulfs your healthcare infrastructure. Relentless assault of funding and Medicare cuts, neverending barrage of paperwork, and suffocating regulations that have shackled doctors, preventing them from providing care they yearn to provide, care that patients deserve.
All this while your great leaders sip cognac in their mahogany panelled offices and proudly piss billions up wall on NDIS. Which reminds me I must renew my catering contract with Uncle Vlad.
However, change is not a choice comrades; it is imperative. Which is why I valiantly led revolution that lasted for all of 18 hours. You must rally together, for without action, very fabric of Australian society will erode. Doctors must be armed with resources and support they need. They must be unshackled from chains of bureaucracy and entrusted to make decisions that ultimately save lives.
Together, you can and must rebuild healthcare system that you can be proud of.
And above all you must demand healthcare system where wounded find solace and healers can find purpose.
Thank you very much for listening. And big shout out again to my main man Lukashenko.
Before I head back to my dacha in Disna, folks, does anyone know where Kylie lives? I’ve always wanted to meet her. Failing that Dannii will do!
Hooroo!
