15 June 2022

AHPRA to introduce ordeal by water 


Amendments to the National Law have given the regulator effective new investigative powers.

The health practitioner regulator AHPRA has resorted to throwing doctors into rivers to see if they float, it has emerged. 

“We no longer believe in costly evidence-based investigations,” an AHPRA spokesperson told TMR.  

“We just plunge the ‘guilty-until-proven-innocent’ doctor into an icy river and if they float to the surface they’re guilty, but if they sink down to the bottom they’re exonerated. The only downside is they’re usually also dead.”  

Dr Geoff Roberts, a Melbourne GP, said: “AHPRA put me under investigation after a patient made a anonymous complaint about me. I was tied up and thrown into a fast-flowing river.  

“After spending a good five minutes at the bottom my lungs screamed for oxygen and my mouth filled with river weed and I was willing to admit to anything. 

“I’m still not sure what the notification was about.”  

“Dr Roberts’ case supports our position,” AHPRA told TMR.  

“Without the ordeal by water there would have been a costly investigation with lengthy interviews and in-depth case analysis and at the end of it all he probably would’ve been found innocent of any wrongdoing anyway. And where’s the fun in that– I mean, how does that protect the public?” 

AHPRA confirmed that a modern ducking stool will replace their antiquated iron maiden later in the year.