20 April 2022

A Visit to the Space Doctor

Humoural Theory

Buckle up, boys and girls – we’re going to see the clinic of the future! 

Today we’re going to explore what medicine will look like in the future.  

You can probably remember a time when you went to see the doctor. It might be because you had a runny nose or a sore knee or it might be because you told your mum that you can see dead people.   

Whatever the reason, the doctor may have asked you some questions and given you some medicine.  

But in the future a trip to the doctors won’t be like this at all.  

In the future, people will visit their doctor in outer space.   

Blast off!  

This rocket is travelling to Mars.  

What do rockets remind you of? That’s because they are designed by men.  

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Here we are with the doctor, he’s orbiting Mars in his space-suit. Unfortunately he’s just dropped a patient’s urine sample. Urine and zero-g don’t go very well together and now the Martian Medical Centre is full of little floating balls of piss!   

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The rocket has finally landed on Mars and the patient has arrived at the practice. He’s so unfit he has to take a breather before climbing through the hatchway. 

The pack he’s carrying isn’t full of oxygen, it’s full of space chocolate and even though he’s got type 2 diabetes and can hardly squeeze into his helmet he pipes the chocolate directly into his mouth. This patient is a good example of what we call a “Putin”. 

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The GP listens to Putins all day long and wishes he’d become a specialist. Specialists earn a lot more money and get to concentrate on one thing at a time.  

In the future, some doctors will specialise in fingers while others will specialise in thumbs. And as every child knows when they ask “how many fingers am I holding up?” fingers and thumbs are definitely not the same thing!  

There is a down-side to travelling to Mars though. People will be exposed to a lot more radiation, which could accelerate human evolution.  

Some experts believe that if humans are exposed to enough damaging radiation we could turn into a race of bat-eared, chinless, aristocratic space-lizards. 

The GP prescribes the Putin a potent enema and tells him not to take it until he gets back to earth.  That’s something he doesn’t need floating around his space office.

In the future all medicines and not just enemas will be a lot stronger than they are today and you’ll need a special permit just to take paracetamol.  Also, scientists will finally prove that smoking crack is good for you. 

This asthmatic boy is smoking crack through a lemon  

Unfortunately at the end of his busy day the GP opened a window to try and get rid of the pissballs and forgot that he wasn’t wearing a helmet. He was exposed to so much radiation that he turned into a kettle. He now has to spend the rest of his days making tepid cups of tea for his colleagues.  

Stop staring at my spout! 

We’ve come to the end of our futuristic journey and can now return to the present day, where kettles can’t talk, most children don’t smoke crack and mercifully only one person looks like King Charles III.   

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