Ask a silly question …
Various organisations ask GPs to provide notes in case anything goes wrong. This phenomenon is known as GANFYD or “get a note from your doctor”.
Professor Candid offers some of his replies for GANFYDs which may be useful in your day-to-day practice.
FAO: Blue-Sky Skydiving
Dear Sir/Madam,
You recently wrote to ask me if my patient is fit to parachute out of an aeroplane.
In response to your specific question, my patient is in a good state of health and is medically fit to parachute-jump.
However, jumping out of a perfectly functioning aircraft doesn’t sound like a great idea to me. If he hits the ground at 80,000km/h it won’t make much difference if his kidneys and liver are functioning well as they proceed to be smeared over a 5m radius.
In specific response to your question about his fitness for tandem skydiving, I am still at a loss as to know why someone would want to jump out of a plane on a bicycle.
Yours sincerely,
Prof. Candid
FAO: White-Knuckle Shark-Diving
Dear Sir/Madam,
It was with great excitement that I learnt my patient was planning to swim with sharks. I have been seeing him as a patient for well over 20 years and I can honestly say that he is the most tedious bastard I have ever come across.
Of course he is medically fit to go shark diving! However, please bear in mind that my patient has terrible claustrophobia and would therefore need to lowered into the water without a shark cage.
Yours sincerely,
Prof Candid
PS: You may also wish to consider tying some fresh chunks of fish meat to him just to enhance his hopefully once-in-a-lifetime experience.
FAO: Porn Central
Dear Sir/Madam,
You wrote to ask me if my patient can appear in your latest production Semen Demon from Outer Space.
I’m afraid my patient is getting on a bit and a popper and a porn star may be all that’s needed to finish him off. Having said that, I’m sure that dying with a smile on his face covered in a bucketful of extra-terrestrial demon ejaculate is what he would have wanted.
I give this budding screen talent my seal of approval.
Yours sincerely,
Prof. Candid
FAO: TGN1413 Drug research trial
Dear Sir/Madam,
You have asked me to provide an opinion about the relative suitability of my patient to participate in your forthcoming drug trial. Presumably you have no idea what’s going to happen when you inject my patient with your experimental drug, because if you did you wouldn’t need to do the experiment! I am therefore unable to comment.
Yours sincerely,
Prof. Candid
PS: Please stop asking stupid questions.
FAO: Chickens R Us
Dear Sir/Madam,
I can confirm that my patient is able to wear a chicken costume for 12 hours a day. Please ensure that there is an adequately sized breathing hole in the chicken’s beak as my patient suffers with occasional asthma. A wheezy, man-sized chicken is likely to scare any children visiting your fine establishment.
Yours sincerely,
Prof. Candid
FAO: Skinny tracksuit guy in the carpark
Dear Sir,
No, my patient suffers from high blood pressure and is therefore in my medical opinion not well enough to smoke meth. Please move on.
Yours sincerely,
Prof. Candid
